We Made It: To Baja!

After months of plans promises and preparations, many prolonged and delightful visits

to the homes of friends and family, many time outs for truck and Avion upgrades, we

finally crossed the border into Baja California. Yeah!

Now in San Antonio del Mar, a small gated community north of Rosarita Beach, we are

enjoying the lullaby rhythm of the Pacific waves, the food and flavors of Baja; and,

again, the comfort and enjoyment of family. We are at my sister and brother-in-laws

beach front home, Playa Numero Uno.

Having been here a number of times in the past many memories of self and others are

in abundance. Photos, art works, customs and patterns all awaken old thoughts and

feelings. More stuff to let go of is encased in some of these experiences.

Not too surprising, Joanne figures strongly in the memories, as does Gabriel and Kathy,

Gabriel’s mom. I believe it was here. Although one strong memory may have come from

Ensenetas, further to the South.

What stands out in my mind was Gabriel and some Mexican boys having bottle rocket

battles. It must have been around New Years, maybe 30 some years ago, Gabe must

have been 11 or 12. I just remember seeing the rockets shooting parallel to the beach

and then aware that they were coming from two directions. My protective, and maybe

over-protective fathering had me running down to the beach and aggressively stopping

the madness! Images of the kids being so excited that they missed seeing a rocket

coming at them till it was too late. Eyes put out, etc. Anyway, I raised my voice and

stopped the “fight” and probably shamed my son . . . again.

These thoughts carried on as the day wore on and entered my dreaming and the

discussions of the following day. Today.

Our conversations today, 10:00 am, have to do with assuming responsibility for other’s

actions, e.g. diet and health. Some believe that once you are 21, an adult, you “should”

be able to make responsible decisions and live up to them.

OMG! As the short version of “I can’t believe that or you” is often expressed.

My response is that we also have our wounded selves to contend with. If wounded at

four then that four year old self will still be in on the act.

My sense of security and self-concept was shattered when four when I went to a

kindergarten school and the teacher was angry and punitive. Not to me so much as

more a result of my being hurt when another kid not liking my art work ruined it. The

teacher made him eat that paper! I was so scared (traumatized) that later I was afraid to

raise my hand to go to the toilet. I ended up pooping in my pants on the way home from

school. That combination of shameful experiences continued to embarass and shame

me for years. Far beyond my being 21. I am still anxious about my art work and how it

will be received. Oh, my gosh (OMG) what will they think?

We Made it: To Baja

My big issues also have to do with sexual trauma when I was introduced to sexual play

at eight and liked it so much that I went about teaching other kids. That was quickly

stopped and I was, again toxically shamed around body functions. Needless to say my

sexuality went underground for far too long and when it did surface it did so with a

vengence, bringing about a promiscuity that created many problems for myself and

loved ones.

Our culture shames and traumatizes and then expects people to “get over it” by

punishing, shaming, burying, blaming, locking up, etc. So full of more shame and blame.

And, my traumas were light, compared to those received during wars, alcoholic or drug

abuse families and other more catastrophic events.

So much of my needing to take this time away from my past is to be able to come to

center with my self. Time to be able to move in my growing default sense of “Festina

Lente”, making haste . . . slowly.

Slowing down and reflecting on who I am, how my patterns developed, where there is a

need for more attention, compassion and forgiveness for self and other.

I do, as so many of us do, have everything that I need. All that is necessary is to find

and make a time and place to do the work and the commitment to do so.

It is tempting to just say, “To hell with it!” and move to Baja and become one of the many

expatriates that have chosen to do so to get away from the craziness and woundedness

of the past, as well as to be able to afford a slower and more abundant life style than is

afforded in the USA. I could do that, except that I choose to be close to my son and

grand-sons such that I can help to provide a stable support system for such

woundedness as I experienced to more readily be embraced and released. To be handy

in case of small or big catastrophic events; or, whatever.

Ancestors, help me to heal the Wounds of the Past that I may consciously and

intentionally open those doors and enter through that lead to healing, health,

happiness and wholeness. May I become Whole, Holy and Wholesome!

Blessings on All!

We Made it: To Baja

The Sun Returns and We Celebrate!

SOLSTICE CHEER

Twenty some days since our last posting!

A great journey after Nevada City. Full of challenges and opportunities, once again. And, also, full of happiness and cheer. Seems like we are well received wherever we go.

First, the truck was fixed effectively if not permanently (what?). The axle seal was replaced after about 10 days of waiting as the shop we go to in Nevada City was very busy (Douglas Auto: a great place to have your vehicles fixed). I had let them know that if it was fixed by a certain date a week or ten days in the future it would work for me. It was; and, the snows on Hwy 80 were such that they could have taken an extra day or so. While my rig would handle the winds and snow I chose to stay with Joanne in comfort! My default, I guess.

The next day, the 13th of December we head for family in Southern California, hoping to find some hot springs to indulge in on our way South. 

The day was beautiful and the drive delightful. But cold. We stayed in Minden, Nevada. Seven (7) degrees that night and the Avion's furnace stank and did not keep even a thimble of water warm (metaphorically speaking)! Froze our butts off. We bundled up and made it through the night. We stayed in a Casino RV park and I took advantage of the restaurants and ate comfortably and well, if not my usual fare.

The next day we hit the road early seeking more warmth. We found it in Lone Pine, one of my favorite places to visit, where it was a good 10 degrees warmer. Yes, actually 17 degrees. That night we chose to stay in a motel. Luxury, again. 

Glad we did as we both were exhausted from keeping warm the night before.

Fortunately the Ford f-250 has an efficient heating system and within minutes of getting back on the highway we were thawed out.

Some wonderful sights along the way. Mt. Whitney, the Alabama Hills, lots of snow on the mountains and long vistas across the high deserts of Nevada. Stopping on the overlook of Lake Mono was pleasant. Dante, again, showed his interest in surveying the landscape by stopping and looking off across the lake and desert.

We then headed for "Dirty-Sock-Hot-Springs" (yes, it is on the map) only to find a dismal spot with broken glass all around, scuzzy on the water to the west edge and lukewarm water on the eastern edge. Near the middle was some bubbling and steam and if I had cared would probably found some good warm mineral rich water about 10 feet from the bank. I had images of cutting my feet open on broken glass and not having anyone to help me deal with the damage. Dante would be glad to give it a try with his licks but that would be too much to ask of him.

So we gave my brother in Riverside a call and cleared the way for our getting to his place around 5 pm. 

Traffic was awful on the stretch further south as we came closer to civilization (somehow it doesn't fit, does it, to consider pollution, overpopulation and overconsumption as "civilization"). And, I was reminded why I live and choose to live in Northern California. 

Several days of visiting my brother and his family, such warm and loving people, was a great joy. 

The next night he had a Gold Prospectors of America, meeting and I gladly accepted his invitation to attend. I liked the feeling of the 30 or more people in attendance and JOINED! So, I paid my dues, received my starter kit and now have access to hundreds of claims throughout the US. Including a bunch near Nevada City and all along the Sierras. 

I had some doubts but was assured that responsible mining with sluice systems cleaned up the water ways and provided more spawning grounds for fish. 

Interesting that in Nevada City there are BLM lands that used to be old mining claims that were surrendered, and then become public lands. And, that one can again "claim" the land for mining. Interesting!

So, the next afternoon after some very pleasant visits with Bruce, his wife Nan, Shell Sea there daughter and her daughter Hailey, as well as a short visit by Sonya and her son, Bison, we, Dante and I, headed for El Cajon, where my sister Judy and her family reside.

As always we were warmly received by Judy and Ron and have been enjoying many pleasant times and experiences since arriving. Last night we decorated the Christmas tree. To help were daughter Melissa and her boys, James and Evan, Michael and his daughter Shana, her husband, Clayton and their son Michael. The tree had been installed the afternoon before by Ron and I.

All of this activity, the plans and experience of travel, the cold and snow, the visits and treats, the dinners and gifts and the tree and decorating, etc. are very familiar to me. New for Dante but he certainly has enjoyed himself, especially with his new found relatives, Mercedes and Charlie. I do believe he and Mercedes are the most closely connected than any dog he has had the good fortune to be with. They play, sleep, eat, run, etc. as if old friends; or, new lovers. Regardless he is one happy puppy. Maybe just happy to not be freezing in Minden!

All is well that does not end well!

What?

Well, Dante and I were well on our way to hit the hot springs around Mammoth when after stopping for a respite in Nevada City to visit Joanne we discovered that our right rear axle seal is leaking (for the third time)! Ouch. 

But, we want to head down 395 tomorrow before it rains/snows!

Oh well, the upside is, we get to spend more time with Joanne in Nevada City. 

It will take maybe a week to find the problem and maybe replace the rear axle, if needed.

And, Joanne would really like for me to go with her to her brother's house to continue to deal with some of her parents "stuff" that is in a "pod"!

Okay! No problem. 

Since I am on sabbatical or retired or whatever there is not any place I need to be at tomorrow or next week or the next. I did tell my sister I would be in San Diego area for Christmas and I will make that!

And, if we are lucky we will still be able to hit one or two of the hot springs along the way.

So, many of you may be thinking, how can Scott be so up-beat about being divorced?

Yes, how can I be?

It took a bit of doing to reframe and find a positive spin that allows me to maintain my happiness quotient!

It is just that it is so much more fun to have fun than to have not fun. Like cross-country skiing at Royal Gorge near Tahoe. And, maybe more than once, depending on how long it takes to get my rig fixed.

And, besides, what is to not like about being free to go where I want when I want? And, to do so in such a way that I carry most of my essential gear with me. 

Such gear as:

     

     A wardrobe

     Tools

     Cooking gear

     Lots of good sleeping gear including a tent

     Stuff for Dante

     Skiing equipment and clothing

     Materials for up-grading the Avion

     A bunch of hats (I am a hat person kind of guy)

     Some shamanic gear

     Drums

     Guitar

     Clarinet, flutes, harmonica

     Books

     Outdoor gear

     Etc.

My rig allows for ultimate flexibility. I can be visiting in towns or camping out in the wilds. 

Sleeping on the ground or in the Avion. Skiing or swimming. And, on and on.

So, what is to feel sorry for myself? No need as I can choose to be happy and to move my life and energy in that direction.

     

The Rules for the One Gate in Front of Us!

One Frontal Gate

Yes, there are rules for having only one gate in front of us!

Alignment, Harmony, Balance and Clear Intention! Trust and Love!

The more we keep our focus on what it is we are in quest of the fewer choices there are in front of us.

When we are clear. I mean, Really Clear! On what it is we desire then All falls into place.

And, we must request and secure the Guidance of the Angels. We can not do it on our own.

So, what Angels?  

The Archangels?

Who  knows. I certainly am not sure. I am sure that my Ancestors have a hand in where I am headed, especially when I request that they be there for me.

      "Ancestors, guide me, lead me by my hand.

        Ancestors, heal me, help me to become whole.

        Ancestors, speak to me, let me know what you desire.

                You have given me so much, may you give me more."

The alignment of Gates in front of us!

Picture this. At one point the Gates are numerous and spread out all over the terrain! 

And, at another instant, with our clarity they come into alignment and . . . it is as if there is only ONE GATE IN FRONT OF US!

     If we are not clear in our intention the Gates are not aligned. So, we go from this to that and the other to thither!

    If we are clear then all of the archetypal mysteries work with us. Think, Tarot! Think, Grimes Fairy Tales, Think cartoons. Think Religions, Philosophies, Belief Systems of one kind or another.

The choices are deep and wide and when we are clear they come into alignment!

 If we are uncertain then the boogies and monsters show themselves and throw us off of our mark.

Trust and Love! 

Happiness and Gratitude!

Letting go and Letting God!

These and a few others are our guideposts.

Look for Omens and Confirmations (Thank  you Carlos Castanada!).

     "Ask, and you shall receive." 

Back to opening up our third eyes!

    Yes, maintaining presence is so important. When we do, we are aware of our intentions and on the look out for guidance from the All. 

It is this guidance that gets us to where we are destined to arrive: Cosmic Consciousness!

We are destined to become enlightened, in this life time or another. So, we might as well cultivate the arts and skills that promote this . . . and, resign ourselves to the task!

THE GATE

THE GATE

There is not one door in front of us each instant!

There is only one door from which we have entered into this instant!

There are an infinite number of doors and Universes in front of us!

Confronted with what lies before us we can either abdicate our personal choices, preference, decisions, obligations, etc. or we can intentionally be selective in our decision process with respect to which door we will open.

We can follow the dictates of our personal histories or we can craft, as the Lords of Old, exactly what it is we want, need and desire.

Will be be tethered to all of the mythologies, personal histories, cultural, racial, village, familial, and PTSD delayed grieving mandates?

Or, will be open to the guidance of the Angels, the wisdom of All that we know and the mandates of those paradigms of enlightenment, manifestations, healing and self-realization that we have been gifted with over the, very significantly, the past small number of decades?

This is the challenge.

Ancestors, help me to heal the Wounds of the Past that I may consciously and intentionally open those doors and enter through that lead to healing, health, happiness and wholeness. May I become Whole, Wholesome and Holy!

Blessings on All!

Let me be Bold!

To cut to the chase, as one of my favorite best friends says, the essence of what I am expounding is this:

We can not heal, anything. Not our own wounds, not the pollution, not the corruption, not the hate and not the wars and not the deaths and not the spiraling down into Hades unless we embrace 

THE GRIEVING PROCESS AND SEE IT THROUGH!

ALL ELSE IF FUTILE.

All of our politics our fan clubs, our meditations, our governmental mandates, our withdrawing and withholding. Nothing works but embracing and grieving the profound losses!

THERE. YOU HAVE IT!

Until we do so we are locked into the repetition compulsion and must continue to create more loss and destruction.

The idea is:

REMEMBER! 

EMBRACE AND PROCESS!

AND, BY DOING SO . . . HEAL!!!!!

The Mindfulness Game of Grief

Game?

Yes! And here are some of the rules:

1. Repeatedly come back to "presence"!

2. In presence notice the phase of grief!

3. Time bind the awareness of grieving!

4. Engage in diversions thoughtfully, with the idea of preparing to return into the presence of grieving.

And, for good measure; 

5. Let it go! 

So, let me expand these 5 gambits with more stories of Dante and I.

And, let it also be know that we All go through the process by chance as well as intentionality. Chance may take many lifetimes. Intentionality cuts "to the chase" and allows for rapid enlightenment, for that is the winning of The Game. As I am want to say, "We can't not become enlightened, it is our destiny path. So, we might as well embrace the process."

First: meditation, mindfulness, yoga, Tai Chi or Qi Gong, focused activity, self-awareness, cultivating 3rd eye (5th Chakra) awareness are all part of learning to come into presence. A competent griever must know how to come back, at will, to being fully in one's body.

Dante, as a dog, is my role model for this. When he misses his pack he simply sleeps and engages in other body function behaviors like eating, relieving himself, getting me to take him for walks, playing by himself with his toys and, when I am attentive, getting me to play with him.

He reminds me to meditate, stretch, eat well, pay attention to what is all around me and check in with my friends to play. When I get in a rut and start to perseverate on my "hard luck" it doesn't take me long to come back into my body. I have learned, as he models, that it is wasted effort to want something I can't have. 

So, I learn to be aware. To notice just where I am in my grieving process. As a skilled listener the hardest job is to listen to myself, my own thought processes and bodily functions. As a practitioner of yoga and meditation the ability to move from one phase to another is facilitated.

That brings me to the second gambit: Notice what phase of grief I am in.

Dante again reminds me to come back to presence. It is from there I can know what to work/play about. (Thanks to all of my friends and family who when the decisions were made to cast me adrift admonished me to "get a dog". "You can't do this on your own." "You will need to take care of something; you will need to have a friend with you." And, so forth.)

If in the denial phase, as I have so much indulged in I can pull back and laugh at how long I have been avoiding the deep sorrow. So, my whole flight to Kalamazoo and back, getting my rig set up and fixing (spending hours and far too much money). All indulgences in denial, if also planning for an unknown future.

The anger came upon me, at times, unexpectedly and I would notice by telling my story punitively or making decisions to hurt myself (more than one way to get my attention) by too much drink, too much investments in a "fools errand", not seizing an opportunity when offered, etc. As I engage in "having more fun than not fun" it seems I don't stay long in this phase. Anger and hate are one of the fastest ways to get sick, age and die. Personally I am in for the long haul!

Anger would show itself in my unkind thoughts, words or behaviors with respect to mostly, Joanne. Sometimes it would show itself by my becoming passively aggressive. An old gambit of mine for dealing with lots of relationship issues. Again, thanks to my many friends and the path I have chosen for experiencing so many smokey mirrors to remind me. The reminders are all around us, aren't they?

Bargaining is that process of figuring out what my opportunities are, and negotiation between self and other. In my process I might bounce my thoughts and actions again and again in one direction to have others reflect "no" or "NO" before I get it and move on in the process. Dante is so much easier at settling into himself when given a strong boundary. 

This makes me reflect on the wisdom of Lao Tzu when sharing about longevity: "Sleep like a dog, sit like a turtle and walk like a duck."

For myself the bargaining has been going on for years, mostly around sexuality. "If I do this for you can I expect you to give yourself to me?" It does get old, doesn't it?

And, the bigger picture, if I create and perform and earn will I be loved unconditionally? Heh, how about forgiving self and loving self unconditionally? Dante doesn't evidence such convoluted thought processes and or behaviors. Many of which for humans are very unconscious.

As with anger the ability to return to presence allows for awareness of the convoluted nature, the squirrel cage circuitry, to be revealed and changed. To move out of "bargaining" and into "sorrow" or "depression". 

Ah, now this moves me to talk about number three, time binding.

To set time limits on staying in the grieving process is of ultimate usefulness! Say that to yourself three times to get it. Set boundaries on your own grieving process. 

My experience with this is ample. Much of my work as a therapist has been to teach clients how to time bind! And, once I, or they, learn to allow themselves to grieve, regardless of the phase, and pull themselves out of with intention (even an alarm clock) then suddenly many of the dysfunctional activities and behaviors are dealt with more expediently! 

What I have learned from this and written about in my other blog (http://shamanicvisionpsychotherapy.blogspot.com/2010/06/back-to-time-outs-learning-to-respond_959.html) is that just as we can't not grieve our losses, or become enlightened, as long as we are engaged in the process of grieving the soul lost parts will have patience with us. They will not continually set us up for more loss. (the repetition-compulsion).

So, I increasingly let myself feel the loss, the sorrow and the emptiness . . . but only for a short while. What I crave and have experienced as I write about in my last entry for this blog is the comfort and support for deeper grieving experiences that a "village" or "grieving ritual" allows for. In such a place many layers of grief are released. Are "let go" and for days and weeks afterwards I am able to experience the Grace that I so desire.

Taking some time each day to reflect on losses and on the gratitude that the losses remind us to embrace is essential. Yes, gratitude is the elixir and to fully embrace it is great to bring the intensity of the emotion of grieving into the gratefulness we have and experience. 

This, again, facilitates the process of grieving.

Thoughtful diversions: Okay? What is this about? I see my diversion of having Dante around as a thoughtful one. It takes me out of my self-pity and self-loathing (both sad states to invest in).
My diversion of my rig, the 1965 Avion on a 1990 Ford, f-250 (4x4, 7.3 turbo diesel) has some practicality and thoughtfulness about it. Why that rig? Well, it is designed to endure, much more than newer, nicer rigs. And, part of my grieving is for the loss and probable loss of our comforts. Modern cars are dependent on electronics, which are very faulty and prone to electro-magnetic fluctuations and failures. One big solar flare-up can put our whole grid out of commission. Not so the 1990 f-250 diesel. 

The decisions were also based on my not having a permanent home. That is hard to bite into. But, the flexibility is a relief. I can go most anywhere fairly comfortably and securely with my rig.
And, when my Jefferson (tiny-house-on-wheels) is ready and settled (that is a big job right now, figuring out where to park it) then the rig many not be so important . . . as a diversion.

The whole process allows for me to engage in the grieving process.

Mindfulness diversions win out over mindlessness ones. Examples of mindlessness would be engaging in wanton abandonment into drugs and or alcohol, becoming addicted to one cause or another, hiding out, etc. 

Letting it go!

In the soul retrieval healing process (Sandra Ingerman: Soul Retrieval) the return of the soul part lost through neglect or trauma will only happen when we, as caring, responsible adults, find the wounded self and apologize for neglecting, invite soul part to return, negotiate terms of return ("I will become a safe container for you in your grieving process so that more trauma does not occur."), and, "stay present" during that being as a safe container. It is easy to slip back into the wounded soul part if we do not engage in mindful presence!

When the soul part returns and finds safety in the body we, as the guardians of our soul, find greater health and happiness. It is easier to engage in further healing. We experience more Grace.

And, we can then let go of our attachments to the losses, to the escaping into addictive behavior, gnashing of teeth, endless bargaining, avoidances, etc. We can just acknowledge the loss, incorporate the gains and move on!

So much more could and will be written.

What is your desire?

Putting off the inevitable: Grief Wins

GRIEF WINS

In so many words I am ever so thankful for the people in my life, those close and those distant, who reflect back to me what most often my own eyes do not see.

Like the depth and breadth of my feelings of loss. Particularly in the past 1/2 year or so when I dibble and dabble with confronting the loss of my lovely life in Humboldt County, in Eureka. Yes, and, the profound loss of my love of 20 years or so. And, that loss has re-opened the losses of the previous marriage to Kathie and to my broken relationship with my son, Gabriel. Subsequently, Gabe and I have been repairing our relationship. My intention is to also repair with his mother, to "normalize" the friendship, at least, such that Kathie and I can serve as mature and loving models for our grand-sons, Finn and Owen.

Also lost:

Two wonderful homes, that I thought would be life-long, lost. Along with the women who would share them with me.

Friends and neighborhoods, lost.

Patterns and habits, lost.

Not to mention the bigger and much more significant losses that have run parallel to my own losses. The extinction of species.

The environmental losses.

The income losses.

The losses of peace.

No wonder I run and hide (all the while, seeking) from the grief. What phase (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, integration) of grieving in I am now with which of the above? 

Holds for All. Each and every one of us. 

How do we manage all of this?

We bury it under consumerism, addictions, medical diagnosis, trauma drama, absorbedness in one form of media or another. Escapism of one form or another.

We Run and Hide from The Grief! It is as if it is a monstrous calamity chasing us into the Abyss.

We Hide! 

Until it catches up with us in one further loss or another. Maybe someone leaves or dies and we grieve for a while. Some of us get caught up in one loss and sacrifice a golden opportunity to piggy back on that loss and to go deeper into collective grief! Others grab ahold of the coat tail of one loss and let go their grief for a string of losses.

Some of us, especially we tough men, hold onto our grief. Na'er a tear or wail to release.

With all of the above in mind I look back on several of my "grieving ritual" experiences with great relish.

The first took place 20 some years ago at Mendocino Headlands for the week long Mendocino Men's Leadership Conference. I attended twice and both time Maledome Some, with great priming of the pump by Michael Meade, James Hillman, Robert Bly and Robert Moore, among the most sterling, led us into full rituals where we were prompted and goaded into sounding, wording, singing, crying and wailing about the losses.

Later, during a year long Ritual Village Training with Maledome we conducted more in depth training and understanding and executing of similar rituals.

Maledome had orchestrated us into three groups, Grievers, Villagers and Stewards. A Shrine had been constructed with compelling and not at all necessarily pretty or attractive components. Along with photos there were bones, dried flowers, burnt logs, broken art, etc. 

In front of the Shrine a line of ashes from one end of the shrine to the other. 

As the "Village" (those participating in the ritual) gathered the Sacred Circle was formed and elements and ancestors invited to join us, to help us in this work. A Shrine was empowered and we were instructed to not allow any part of our body to pass over the line of ashes. The Shrine had been empowered to "take" into the abyss the grief we expressed to the other side.

We were then divided into the three groups. A few were designated to be Stewards and to not allow any one or any part of us to go over the line. Malidome had warned us that sometimes grief takes over and we "cast" ourselves into the abyss, as well. Any part of us over the ashes would experience "soul loss" in that part and end up with issues.

The Villagers were to drum, dance, sing and otherwise build energy up. They were stationed behind those who were ready to address the Shrine. 

It was that group that would approach in dance and retreat, wail and sing, cry out, curse the gods and bewail their losses. The dying Forests were grieved for, the Ocean and other Waters, the loss of Ancestors, Peace, Stability, Balance, Harmony, etc.

Such a powerful ceremony and ritual that I took it upon myself to orchestrate a number during my time as facilitator of "practice" or "intentional" villages. These events were well received and appreciated.

I then got busy with the life and love I have just loss.

Maybe it is time to "Reclaim Village and Grieving Ritual".

What do you think?

Anyway, time for me to go Deeper and Wider!

Thirst for Graceful Revolution: Good Grief

Sandburg writing in Travels with Charley experienced people in awe of his journey and expressing desires to do the same.
Least Heat-Moon in his book, Blue Highways experienced the same when talking with a young man. This young man went on to describe his father: 
" . . . You're doing what he'd give a nut to do. He goes on all the time about selling the house and quitting his job and traveling around the country. Or going back to school. . . ."

Many people, mostly men have caught my attention and asked about my rig, The Avion, and when I describe my journey their eyes kind of glaze over and a wistful expression comes upon them. Some acknowledge and say, in so many words, "Boy, I sure would like to do that."

What is this thirst for adventure and simplicity? 

I believe that more and more of us are waking to the reality that our lifestyles are highly arbitrary and not in the best interest of the All. They feel the pinch and the routinization which to more and more comes to be experienced as a kind of slavery!

And, this is true even for ideal type lifestyles. Many can afford to take prolonged and frequent vacations that meet some of the needs. Some acknowledge but also accept that they are pretty addicted to their comforts, home, gardens, food, restaurants . . .

The Good Life!

Well, I certainly have led and do lead The Good Life. 

Born in 1939, in the middle time of WWII and coming into awareness near the end (food stamps, sirens, rationing, oleo-margarin) the years following were ones of great prosperity and opening of opportunities for all of my family, parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles, cousins, neighbors, etc. 

Soon a small TV and big transistor radios came into our homes. Each of us kids received one (now it would be cell phones or games). That gift still stands out in sharp memory.

Great education, in and out of school. All of us became productive, talented, and wealthy with experiences and opportunities.

And, now, after 70 years of such comfort and "Good Life" qualities mine continues as I am compelled and enabled . . . able to hit the road, to become the gypsy-vagabond-adventurer whom so many idolize and want to experience becoming.

Once again, maybe just my good fortune.

Or, again, the Law of Attraction. How many times I have fantasized about letting go. Practicing by going into the woods with simple food and provisions. A VW Westphalia Van to travel through Mexico in 1968 with my soon to be wife, Kathie. A small trailer, The Casita that Joanne and wandered around in. What great adventures, All.

It is doable. So has been the "Good Life" of homesteading, gardening, communal living, promoting and developing Simple Living Workshops, experimental and practice Ritual Villages.

Now, looking back on so much "goodness" I can see that it was all nickel and dime awareness that all of that was a thirst to get back to letting go of stuff and embracing awareness of life.

What seems to keep us from jumping off and embracing letting go is that we tend to jump, or be pushed off the cliff, into pathos. The Void is filled with un-resolved grieving. 

PTSD: Unresolved Grieving is our World Wide Psychiatric and Community Diagnostic Disorder. Thus sayest I!

And, when we don't jump or get pushed off we tend to re-live the wounded-ness, in what is seen as the "Repetition Compulsion".

So, in effect, staying connected to our "Good Life" continuums are ways of protecting us from going (or letting go) into grief. GRIEF.

Capitalized because it is so powerful and present in all of us. I see it, as a trained observer, everywhere and we are All so good at managing and re-directing and re-framing that it is seldom brought to the surface.

Maybe we would do better to use the term: 

LIVING THE GOOD GRIEF!

Cleaning up and releasing!

When I set out on this journey my 8' pick-up bed was filled to the brim and covered with tarps.

The Avion contained it all . . . but, what a mess. 

Fortunately Dante wasn't fussy! Others would have been.

I increasingly grew so!

My, what a mess!

As I take and make time to clean-up and organize slowly stuff finds its place, boxes get recycled, down-sizing continues

Letting go continues.

This blog is all about letting go. More so that then Dante. Although, what a role model.

Dante only requires love, affection, care and food. Such a role model!

Today I seemed to make some kind of breaktrough. 

Headed back to Eureka on Fricay, maybe that was it.

More so, enough time has passed and friends have shown up for me that my deep sorrow and depression about the losses and sacrifices have had enough time to be processed that they no longer have such a hold on me.

I have been carrying with me a roll of marmoleum (healthy linoleum) and finally cut and installed. 

Yeah! Looks so much better and is healthier now that the asbestos 9" tiles have been removed.

In addition I consolidated several boxes of "stuff" into one, got rid of a bunch of odds and ends and re-organized the interior such that there is more space and less clutter. 

Hey, there is hope!

Dante: Friendship Embassador.

Dante: Friendship ambassador!

Could not have designed a better travel partner. 

We left the tranquil serene and muse infused deck and home in the very Western edge of Clearlake, temperature in the low 90's at the extreme. This is where this blog first started . . . with four or five entries!

Now a totally different scene. There Dante was loved and very calm and comfortable.

Here, he initially did not want to enter into the homestead where there is always lots going on; and where there is a puppy twice his size, always hungry and when ever Dante's name is called there is that puppy. Dante, being the perfect gentleman, stands aside. No wonder he resisted joining.

He can let it be known when he is unhappy. If he has one fault it is that he doesn't guard his own food.

Small problem. 

As delightful as he is, he is often the first to be acknowledged. ("Who, me, jealous?")

The homestead we are now visiting is of wonderful friends who own and run the homestead, currently also home to an additional three lovely young people, traveling around and making themselves useful, as wwoofies. WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity on Organic Farms).

The homestead serves as an ideal instructive, productive, and fun place to drink up some essential survival skills and training. 

Growing, harvesting, putting up, sharing, cooking and relaxing . . . music, interesting people. 

The homestead is indeed a beehive of activities, including bee keeping and goat farm husbanding.

Dante only takes an hour or so before he is comfortable and getting played with, or left alone as he desires.

Takes me longer. 

We are here for a week or so then moving on.

Seed saving. Seed peddling. Laws

Sometimes, as I understand from The Blue Highway, by William Least Heat-Moon, the wandering traveler needs to break the running rule that you don't hurry!  . . . "I violated a rule of the road and drove south just because I felt I should move on."

There does seem to be some magic in following the flow; the signs. Maybe some feeling that it is time to move on. Then, something amazing happens.

I had no idea as to the treatment I was being given by Jini when she arranged for me to have a ticket to go to the Bioneer's Seed Conference in nearby Santa Rosa.

The very powerful event attended by thousands. The Keynote speaker was Vandana Shiva, a famous writer, philosopher, activist, and politician who has gained a substantial international following.

California is right now dealing with some very scary laws, having to do with outlawing the sale, promotion, and passing on seeds. The specifics flew by me as usually happens but the general idea that, again, Corporations and the Politicians who cater to them have created or are in the process of creating laws which pretty much say if you want seeds you have to buy them from Monsanto . . . and, they are genetically modified ("Polluted" says Vandana Shiva), polluted and for the plants growing it is necessary to use other Monsanto products.

Disgusting!

Mostly, in my travels I pay more attention to the music, children dancing, enjoying the conference food vendors. People of all ages interested and interesting.

As well, mounds of squash . . . all shapes, colors, and sizes, including some mammoth gigantic super-stars. Never to be cooked. Meeting its fate oozing back to Earth!

And, if we don't squash this effort by Monsanto and Companies to "own" seeds, then, what?

So, my guess is the Black Market will change from marijuana to seeds; namely prized heirloom seeds that produce magnificently nutritious and healthy plants, flowers, fruit, and seed.

The Bones of the Ancestors

Where do I come from? What are my ancestral roots? What was “working” my parents

and grand-parents that had us kids moving in the World to end up where we are?

On my return from retrieving The Great Grey Goose, I wanted to visit Pipestone,

Minnesota and Howard, South Dakota.

Grandmother Pearl was born in Pipestone, sometime in the late 1800s. Not too much

longer than “Indian Uprising” and “Massacres”.

Visiting there was a step back in history; re-matched. The visitor’s center was a replica

stockade/fort, to protect the settlers from the up-raising. The attendants and pipestone carvers all Native Americans.

The sad statement of fact is that soldiers came in and massacred whole populations of Native Americans.

My mother always had a great interest in Native Americans and brought back from her

stint in teaching in a one-room schoolhouse in the Bad Lands, a collection of beaded

artifacts, including some with history and some that were created just for her. Perhaps her mother having been steeped in that culture. Questions of her mother maybe being Native American? Regardless, the prevailing energy of her birthplace most certainly had an effect on her and my mother.

As kids we were always looking for and finding arrowheads; and, other artifacts. In

1945 I found a beautiful wood-fired bowl about 4” in diameter with petroglyphs of

hunting deer painted on the sides. Wow!

My father was born in a farming community. His parents came from a consigned

marriage that had more to do with property expansion than with love. Or, at least, that is

my idea sense of it all.

The population of Howard is pretty much what it was when visited 70 years ago. About

500 people. The gas station pumps had been changed . . . and, I am sure buildings

were built, etc. However, Howard has not changed much, as a teller assured me, in 70

years.

I left feeling depressed and "heavy", glad that my mother had come to teach in Howard and met my dad and managed to spirit him away. 

Maybe I would be a better person had I been born into and lived in Howard, although I can’t imagine, being a World Traveler, how bored I would be in this time; if, I lived in Howard.

Somewhere along the road, I began chanting, singing this song:

“I welcome the guidance of the bones of the Ancestors,

I welcome the manna of the bones of the Ancestors,

I welcome the healing of the bones of the Ancestors,

Guide me on,

Help me well,

on the trail of bones of the Ancestors

Help me home to the Healing Ways

Aho."

Who is this Guy named "I"

That is, isn’t it, the ultimate pursuit?

Before I get too far into this expressive ramble let me cast as a paradigm for taking all that follows with a grain of salt, some beauty and wonder, and;  think of the metaphor of a snake shedding its skin. Damn if they aren’t cantankerous. 

Lee Vagt and I were once chased in Willits by a 3 ft rattler who had just shed her skin! We both had walking staffs and she still chased us away. So, yep, when we are going through major life changes we become down right cantankerous! We skedaddled!

Reflecting on this I do not have to “take myself so seriously” and can renegotiate my past belief and behavioral processes with more compassion and forgivance. 

This serves as a reminder to all of you good readers.

Ho, oponoponopono!

Please watch this during or before you read on; or, know that you will come back to experience this deep healing meditative experience. Thank you, the bones of the ancestors of Hawaii Kahunas!

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqrssdH6ET4

Forgive me, I am sorry, I love you, Thank you!

Forgive me for being rude, thoughtless, selfish, greedy, domineering, forgetting, being cowardly, harsh, cantankerous, irritable and the list goes on. Yep, I know them all very well and am a virtuoso about acting these parts. 

I am so sorry that I subjected you to so much emotional, physical, and personal shit. How difficult it must have been for you. How lonely you must have felt in our life together. 

I Love you and when in my body and present with Self, All I have for You is your best health, prosperity and happiness. And, what ever else you value. 

And, thank you. Thank you! Thank you, thank you for being with Me on this Epic Journey we surf here on this Earth and Time Plain! Thank you for sharing the contract towards mutual enlightenment and transformation to higher Angelic Beings.  

Thank you for catapulting me into One-ness!

It has been an experience of great love, beauty, creation, inspiration, and companionship. I will always cherish our time together on this plain during this time. I have gained so much in our being together. A better person I move forward with greater ease and confidence. 

It is my time to FLY!!

The part that I am working on is not staying in attachment to any of the above cantankerous sets for more than a few seconds. Minutes at the most to notice how the environment around me changes and becomes less favorable for my welcome presence. To notice also how before outrageous behavior happens I invariably think a thought about changing, self or other. Usually I think about going somewhere else in space or time and it is reflected in my presence and speech! Ah, 

So I Am the Social Engineer of My Reality!

Yep! 

Can’t deny after all these years of being a professional witness, listener and conversationalist giving out wise council. Which, invariably amounts to reflecting on what the other wants and then reviewing the possible and probably consequences. The risk taking is mostly by my client. Seldom do I go beyond this without sharing that my own personal experiences brought about . . .

And, I share Ho, opono, opono, opono! 

Such a beautiful and wondrous way to live!

How alive All becomes.

As I cast off the shadows of my past indiscretions and emotional manipulations and come back to right now; then, All becomes Grace.

Graceful in the Universe of All responding to my every want or need. 

The Bones of the Ancestors guide me!

i love you!

i love you!

I LOVE YOU!

you

YOU

U

must understand

that if there were any one most troublesome of my faults to me it would be:

Cowardice. 

Yes, lacking the courage to stand up for me. Of course I was never really sure of who “Me” was. Too many roles that I could authentically play, being the actor I am. Believable. Unbelievable.

There are lots of very concrete and damaging reasons for my doing so. Social facts are like brick walls. 

Passive-aggressivity is loosing out in my battles with inner, habitual and controlling behaviors. Finding ways to say what needs to be said or expressed in loving nurturing and caring ways is winning out.

All because of YOU! Mirroring me, Old Soul!

Showing me, as the contrary in indigenous worlds show the powerful to not “take themselves so seriously”!

Lighten up!

Let go!

Let Love!

Reveal my Courageous Lion-hearted Self!

Whose Ties, My Ties: Who is this guy named “I”?

Oh, oh, not ready to write this one yet.

I will need to sit in the hot tub on the deck overlooking the lake contemplating all of the sounds and sights. First listening to those close in, my own breath, the sound of birds . . . of Dante. Then further and further till I can hear the jets flying way overhead. Then, back to the wings of the hummingbird. Then watching. Close to far.  Then feelings, close to far.

Now.

Let's take a safer subject and write about living in the Grey Goose

I call it that as it is warm and big and soft! Looks that way and it is very comfortable.

The storage space is great. With a small 3-way refrigerator perishables can be kept longer.

All three burners on the stovetop worked after I found a replacement disperser (the round metal plates that go on top of each burner). I miraculously found one at a Redwood Valley (Mendocino County) second-hand store.

The oven needs some work. Probably a small cleaning of the orifice feeding into the oven.

Lots of storage.

My biggest issue has to do with me  . . . when I leave one of the cabinet storage doors open then drive for a way. Stuff spills out and busts up . . . then a clean up is in order.

The upside of this is that there is less stuff to pack away!

Thinking right now of all the storage I have. For the tools to manage the Avion (those to manage the f-250, Hummmmmmmm are in the extended cab. For those having to do with reading and writing, playing music (6 instruments, not counting spoons, etc.). Enough hot drink choices to provide for a dozen or so for a few days. And, almost all of the cook-ware I can imagine fitting in tight space. A Salad-master Wok (stated to be the only one imported into China), an old cast-iron 8" pot, sans lid,
two quality stainless steel pieces, one a 6" skillet and the other a small saucepan. The latter being great for soups, warm-ups, and hot cereal.

Breakfast is my main meal here; although I once provided a wonderful French Onion Soup following the recipe on a Shaved Bonita package. That plus mushrooms and 3 or 4 kinds of seaweed soaked for a time then mixed into caramelized onions and garlic mix. Simmering low heat that brews for 15 minutes or so while blending up some miso; a good quantity. Turn the heat off and mix the miso into.

Serve with toasted bread and butter. Oh yeah!

A love a good kitchen.

The clean-up part at this time is daunting. The water system has not been hooked up. Waiting for the waste system to happen first, then wiring to supply pump to keep the system working.

Soon!

A loo! Yep, now with a compost toilet that needs to be emptied only ever so often.
Took the water worked one out as I want to no longer have a black water system, instead use the old black-water system (thoroughly sanitized) as a greywater system. Handling all of the kitchens and sinks waste. Yes! That is essential, as grey-water waste is not tolerated in so many places and for good reason.

Sink and shower. Neither has been used, yet.

The wiring needs work. There is a 7 wire system going into the Avion; I can only find 3 inside. Where did the other 4 go? Wiring must have been distributed inside the shell of the Avion. And, now we get to plot out and guess where the wiring is. Imagine plotting out the wiring in your home without having a map or knowing whether the wires go up, down, sideways, or on a lateral.

We, with help from a number of others, will prevail!

The Ties that Tether!

Downsizing.

Getting rid of stuff.

Cleaning up messes, new and old.

Lightening my load.

And, Still

so much

more to go.

I guess Joanne had finally had it with all of my messes. Lots of excuses why they were there but bottom line is "I am a messy kind of guy!"

I also extol the virtue of "A place for everything and everything in its place."

Laziness, procrastination and, most probably, passive aggressivity thrown together with an active and compulsive need to produce and what you get, from me, anyway, creative productions and tailings.
Like the tailings left behind by cold miners. Messes, here and there.

Now, all of the ones at my (our) old home on Gibson Street are no longer and no longer my concerns. Whew! What a relief. Almost worth Joanne moving to Nevada City and catapulting me into these releases (Thank you, again, Joanne).

As I travel and talk with people the frequent response, as with Travels with Charlie and The Blue Highway, either verbally or with that wistful look, "Sure wish I could do that!"

When I talk about my having Liberty Cabins built for me a tiny-house-on-wheels (LibertyCabins.comhttp://www.libertycabins.com/), a 300 sqft structure which will become my permanent home, people frequently respond with "someone they know" or, they are living in a small (500 sqft) or they have seen the movie, etc. There is a movement!

Tiny Houses are the talk of the day!

It may just be me but doesn't it seem that more and more people are getting rid of more and more stuff?

Arn't the second hand stores being flooded?

So, what about that . . . The Ties that Tether.

What is happening to all of those connections to "stuff" and the accompanying attachments?

Is who I am determined by how I am tied up?

Whoa! Could it be?

Not to say the "ties" are bad. Without them there would be no balance or harmony. We would all be floating around connecting and disconnecting in some great hash of a mess.

It is to say we can thoughtfully disconnect where the connection no longer works for us.

Birds flying the nest.

Kids going off to  . . .

People choosing to retire; or, getting laid off or fired or slowly wilting on the job, even dying.

Pick your medicine!

For me. So excited to have a new path and a new home (homes) to explore the world with.

Today, already, 3:00 pm or so I have met and talked with  two of my friends from 20 years ago who now live in Lakeport. Lakeport is becoming more and more comfortable for me. Maybe it is time to sink some ties into this place. Beautiful Lake, Great Climate, Wonderful People, Excellent Restaurants and lots of dog walking!

I am actively promoting Intentional Releasing! (see next blog!)

Letting go, Falling, Surrendering What?

A Facebook friend refers to her "surrendering" as a salubrious surrender! Healthful and joyful surrendering! 

Much of the time I am there and intentionally moving to such a state.

Some of the time the dark thoughts and feelings emerge and are needed to be wrestled with.

Interesting enough what I keep coming back to is something like: "Oh, I no longer need to put energy into that . . . ." then a sigh and refocus. 

My whole journey seems to be a metaphor for my life. 

Scraping off the toxic asbestos layers of flooring in the GGG (by-the-by, asbestos tiles are out and Marmoleum is in). So much like scraping off the old toxic belief systems, dependencies, attachments such that new healthier foundational standings can be installed. 

And, as with dealing with the asbestos, gloves, water for keeping the dust down, putting tiles in a black plastic bag, having a tarp underfoot, etc. All designed to keep the toxins from spreading around. 

Yes, how to keep the toxic waste contained? Good things my friends and family are compassionate, caring, and forgiving! Thank you, All. Ho, O-pano o-pano o-pano!

Grant that the reprogramming is something less akin to DOS and more to OS X or Android. Easier to change and fewer chances for viruses, worms, or spam!

Oh, oh, now that I think of it I have all 3 of those operating systems working deep inside of me. What other ones are there? Too many to tell.

Time to simplify . . . and that is what I am all about right now. That is my intention. The fine-tuning of my rig, The GGG on the back of Hummmmmmmm requires lots of sorting, discarding, and organizing. And, what is my intention? Traveller, vacationer, artist, musician, writer, bum? 

I consider myself to be an itinerate helper. Have tools, will travel! Have a need, call on Scott!

Having hours of free time each day to read, relax, or even take a nap. Refreshing.

Knowing that all of that was possible in the past taxing events reminds me to keep on remembering, Be Here Now! Stop, breathe, and relax! Sink into my bones! Festina Lente!!!

Sleep like a dog, sit like a turtle, and walk like a duck! Ancient Taoist Wisdom for Longevity.

Keeping my eye on the road, my mind on driving, and my hands on the wheel. Concentrated times for developing Oneness.

Wrestling with a busy mind and coming back to NOW. What else is there to do?

Yes, Salubrious Surrender!

Shedding layers and layers of beliefs, attachments, and dreams. Streamlining. And, as the shedding occurs so do the related feelings and thoughts emerge . . . to once again be processed. Each processing like a bath of warm water on a cold night, washing away layers of garb! Of old clothes, comfortable to wear but no longer fitting the self! 

So, out with some of the old and in with some more colorful healthful garb!

What's this about "letting go"?

Letting go into Grace accidentally came to me and I liked it.

All of my life has been graceful to one degree and or another, even in conflict.

The last period of time has been the most exceedingly graceful and full of pleasure and health.

Really comfortable with predictable rituals, agendas, seasonal activities, home-improvement tasks and maintenance tasks, and taking care of family tasks.

Really seems like a bundle when one puts it out like that. Imagine each one being a string of connectivity from the beliefs and self-conceptual language be programming a strong connection to every cell in your body. Orchestrating, if will, your bodily movements!

Thinking of that bundle as an intertwined cord of bungees stretching from the past to the future through your own body! Yes, the currents divined by the bones of our ancestors.

Releasing big bundles, no longer so I have a home or an office, no longer do I have a calendar . . .

These absences create huge holes to be filled; either by chance or by intention.

Chance
Intention
Guidance of Ancestors; or, whatever.

The three might make for a mighty powerful new cord (chord) wave to follow.