Game?
Yes! And here are some of the rules:
1. Repeatedly come back to "presence"!
2. In presence notice the phase of grief!
3. Time bind the awareness of grieving!
4. Engage in diversions thoughtfully, with the idea of preparing to return into the presence of grieving.
And, for good measure;
5. Let it go!
So, let me expand these 5 gambits with more stories of Dante and I.
And, let it also be know that we All go through the process by chance as well as intentionality. Chance may take many lifetimes. Intentionality cuts "to the chase" and allows for rapid enlightenment, for that is the winning of The Game. As I am want to say, "We can't not become enlightened, it is our destiny path. So, we might as well embrace the process."
First: meditation, mindfulness, yoga, Tai Chi or Qi Gong, focused activity, self-awareness, cultivating 3rd eye (5th Chakra) awareness are all part of learning to come into presence. A competent griever must know how to come back, at will, to being fully in one's body.
Dante, as a dog, is my role model for this. When he misses his pack he simply sleeps and engages in other body function behaviors like eating, relieving himself, getting me to take him for walks, playing by himself with his toys and, when I am attentive, getting me to play with him.
He reminds me to meditate, stretch, eat well, pay attention to what is all around me and check in with my friends to play. When I get in a rut and start to perseverate on my "hard luck" it doesn't take me long to come back into my body. I have learned, as he models, that it is wasted effort to want something I can't have.
So, I learn to be aware. To notice just where I am in my grieving process. As a skilled listener the hardest job is to listen to myself, my own thought processes and bodily functions. As a practitioner of yoga and meditation the ability to move from one phase to another is facilitated.
That brings me to the second gambit: Notice what phase of grief I am in.
Dante again reminds me to come back to presence. It is from there I can know what to work/play about. (Thanks to all of my friends and family who when the decisions were made to cast me adrift admonished me to "get a dog". "You can't do this on your own." "You will need to take care of something; you will need to have a friend with you." And, so forth.)
If in the denial phase, as I have so much indulged in I can pull back and laugh at how long I have been avoiding the deep sorrow. So, my whole flight to Kalamazoo and back, getting my rig set up and fixing (spending hours and far too much money). All indulgences in denial, if also planning for an unknown future.
The anger came upon me, at times, unexpectedly and I would notice by telling my story punitively or making decisions to hurt myself (more than one way to get my attention) by too much drink, too much investments in a "fools errand", not seizing an opportunity when offered, etc. As I engage in "having more fun than not fun" it seems I don't stay long in this phase. Anger and hate are one of the fastest ways to get sick, age and die. Personally I am in for the long haul!
Anger would show itself in my unkind thoughts, words or behaviors with respect to mostly, Joanne. Sometimes it would show itself by my becoming passively aggressive. An old gambit of mine for dealing with lots of relationship issues. Again, thanks to my many friends and the path I have chosen for experiencing so many smokey mirrors to remind me. The reminders are all around us, aren't they?
Bargaining is that process of figuring out what my opportunities are, and negotiation between self and other. In my process I might bounce my thoughts and actions again and again in one direction to have others reflect "no" or "NO" before I get it and move on in the process. Dante is so much easier at settling into himself when given a strong boundary.
This makes me reflect on the wisdom of Lao Tzu when sharing about longevity: "Sleep like a dog, sit like a turtle and walk like a duck."
For myself the bargaining has been going on for years, mostly around sexuality. "If I do this for you can I expect you to give yourself to me?" It does get old, doesn't it?
And, the bigger picture, if I create and perform and earn will I be loved unconditionally? Heh, how about forgiving self and loving self unconditionally? Dante doesn't evidence such convoluted thought processes and or behaviors. Many of which for humans are very unconscious.
As with anger the ability to return to presence allows for awareness of the convoluted nature, the squirrel cage circuitry, to be revealed and changed. To move out of "bargaining" and into "sorrow" or "depression".
Ah, now this moves me to talk about number three, time binding.
To set time limits on staying in the grieving process is of ultimate usefulness! Say that to yourself three times to get it. Set boundaries on your own grieving process.
My experience with this is ample. Much of my work as a therapist has been to teach clients how to time bind! And, once I, or they, learn to allow themselves to grieve, regardless of the phase, and pull themselves out of with intention (even an alarm clock) then suddenly many of the dysfunctional activities and behaviors are dealt with more expediently!
What I have learned from this and written about in my other blog (http://shamanicvisionpsychotherapy.blogspot.com/2010/06/back-to-time-outs-learning-to-respond_959.html) is that just as we can't not grieve our losses, or become enlightened, as long as we are engaged in the process of grieving the soul lost parts will have patience with us. They will not continually set us up for more loss. (the repetition-compulsion).
So, I increasingly let myself feel the loss, the sorrow and the emptiness . . . but only for a short while. What I crave and have experienced as I write about in my last entry for this blog is the comfort and support for deeper grieving experiences that a "village" or "grieving ritual" allows for. In such a place many layers of grief are released. Are "let go" and for days and weeks afterwards I am able to experience the Grace that I so desire.
Taking some time each day to reflect on losses and on the gratitude that the losses remind us to embrace is essential. Yes, gratitude is the elixir and to fully embrace it is great to bring the intensity of the emotion of grieving into the gratefulness we have and experience.
This, again, facilitates the process of grieving.
Thoughtful diversions: Okay? What is this about? I see my diversion of having Dante around as a thoughtful one. It takes me out of my self-pity and self-loathing (both sad states to invest in).
My diversion of my rig, the 1965 Avion on a 1990 Ford, f-250 (4x4, 7.3 turbo diesel) has some practicality and thoughtfulness about it. Why that rig? Well, it is designed to endure, much more than newer, nicer rigs. And, part of my grieving is for the loss and probable loss of our comforts. Modern cars are dependent on electronics, which are very faulty and prone to electro-magnetic fluctuations and failures. One big solar flare-up can put our whole grid out of commission. Not so the 1990 f-250 diesel.
The decisions were also based on my not having a permanent home. That is hard to bite into. But, the flexibility is a relief. I can go most anywhere fairly comfortably and securely with my rig.
And, when my Jefferson (tiny-house-on-wheels) is ready and settled (that is a big job right now, figuring out where to park it) then the rig many not be so important . . . as a diversion.
The whole process allows for me to engage in the grieving process.
Mindfulness diversions win out over mindlessness ones. Examples of mindlessness would be engaging in wanton abandonment into drugs and or alcohol, becoming addicted to one cause or another, hiding out, etc.
Letting it go!
In the soul retrieval healing process (Sandra Ingerman: Soul Retrieval) the return of the soul part lost through neglect or trauma will only happen when we, as caring, responsible adults, find the wounded self and apologize for neglecting, invite soul part to return, negotiate terms of return ("I will become a safe container for you in your grieving process so that more trauma does not occur."), and, "stay present" during that being as a safe container. It is easy to slip back into the wounded soul part if we do not engage in mindful presence!
When the soul part returns and finds safety in the body we, as the guardians of our soul, find greater health and happiness. It is easier to engage in further healing. We experience more Grace.
And, we can then let go of our attachments to the losses, to the escaping into addictive behavior, gnashing of teeth, endless bargaining, avoidances, etc. We can just acknowledge the loss, incorporate the gains and move on!
So much more could and will be written.
What is your desire?
The anger came upon me, at times, unexpectedly and I would notice by telling my story punitively or making decisions to hurt myself (more than one way to get my attention) by too much drink, too much investments in a "fools errand", not seizing an opportunity when offered, etc. As I engage in "having more fun than not fun" it seems I don't stay long in this phase. Anger and hate are one of the fastest ways to get sick, age and die. Personally I am in for the long haul!
Anger would show itself in my unkind thoughts, words or behaviors with respect to mostly, Joanne. Sometimes it would show itself by my becoming passively aggressive. An old gambit of mine for dealing with lots of relationship issues. Again, thanks to my many friends and the path I have chosen for experiencing so many smokey mirrors to remind me. The reminders are all around us, aren't they?
Bargaining is that process of figuring out what my opportunities are, and negotiation between self and other. In my process I might bounce my thoughts and actions again and again in one direction to have others reflect "no" or "NO" before I get it and move on in the process. Dante is so much easier at settling into himself when given a strong boundary.
This makes me reflect on the wisdom of Lao Tzu when sharing about longevity: "Sleep like a dog, sit like a turtle and walk like a duck."
For myself the bargaining has been going on for years, mostly around sexuality. "If I do this for you can I expect you to give yourself to me?" It does get old, doesn't it?
And, the bigger picture, if I create and perform and earn will I be loved unconditionally? Heh, how about forgiving self and loving self unconditionally? Dante doesn't evidence such convoluted thought processes and or behaviors. Many of which for humans are very unconscious.
As with anger the ability to return to presence allows for awareness of the convoluted nature, the squirrel cage circuitry, to be revealed and changed. To move out of "bargaining" and into "sorrow" or "depression".
Ah, now this moves me to talk about number three, time binding.
To set time limits on staying in the grieving process is of ultimate usefulness! Say that to yourself three times to get it. Set boundaries on your own grieving process.
My experience with this is ample. Much of my work as a therapist has been to teach clients how to time bind! And, once I, or they, learn to allow themselves to grieve, regardless of the phase, and pull themselves out of with intention (even an alarm clock) then suddenly many of the dysfunctional activities and behaviors are dealt with more expediently!
What I have learned from this and written about in my other blog (http://shamanicvisionpsychotherapy.blogspot.com/2010/06/back-to-time-outs-learning-to-respond_959.html) is that just as we can't not grieve our losses, or become enlightened, as long as we are engaged in the process of grieving the soul lost parts will have patience with us. They will not continually set us up for more loss. (the repetition-compulsion).
So, I increasingly let myself feel the loss, the sorrow and the emptiness . . . but only for a short while. What I crave and have experienced as I write about in my last entry for this blog is the comfort and support for deeper grieving experiences that a "village" or "grieving ritual" allows for. In such a place many layers of grief are released. Are "let go" and for days and weeks afterwards I am able to experience the Grace that I so desire.
Taking some time each day to reflect on losses and on the gratitude that the losses remind us to embrace is essential. Yes, gratitude is the elixir and to fully embrace it is great to bring the intensity of the emotion of grieving into the gratefulness we have and experience.
This, again, facilitates the process of grieving.
Thoughtful diversions: Okay? What is this about? I see my diversion of having Dante around as a thoughtful one. It takes me out of my self-pity and self-loathing (both sad states to invest in).
My diversion of my rig, the 1965 Avion on a 1990 Ford, f-250 (4x4, 7.3 turbo diesel) has some practicality and thoughtfulness about it. Why that rig? Well, it is designed to endure, much more than newer, nicer rigs. And, part of my grieving is for the loss and probable loss of our comforts. Modern cars are dependent on electronics, which are very faulty and prone to electro-magnetic fluctuations and failures. One big solar flare-up can put our whole grid out of commission. Not so the 1990 f-250 diesel.
The decisions were also based on my not having a permanent home. That is hard to bite into. But, the flexibility is a relief. I can go most anywhere fairly comfortably and securely with my rig.
And, when my Jefferson (tiny-house-on-wheels) is ready and settled (that is a big job right now, figuring out where to park it) then the rig many not be so important . . . as a diversion.
The whole process allows for me to engage in the grieving process.
Mindfulness diversions win out over mindlessness ones. Examples of mindlessness would be engaging in wanton abandonment into drugs and or alcohol, becoming addicted to one cause or another, hiding out, etc.
Letting it go!
In the soul retrieval healing process (Sandra Ingerman: Soul Retrieval) the return of the soul part lost through neglect or trauma will only happen when we, as caring, responsible adults, find the wounded self and apologize for neglecting, invite soul part to return, negotiate terms of return ("I will become a safe container for you in your grieving process so that more trauma does not occur."), and, "stay present" during that being as a safe container. It is easy to slip back into the wounded soul part if we do not engage in mindful presence!
When the soul part returns and finds safety in the body we, as the guardians of our soul, find greater health and happiness. It is easier to engage in further healing. We experience more Grace.
And, we can then let go of our attachments to the losses, to the escaping into addictive behavior, gnashing of teeth, endless bargaining, avoidances, etc. We can just acknowledge the loss, incorporate the gains and move on!
So much more could and will be written.
What is your desire?
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