Putting off the inevitable: Grief Wins

GRIEF WINS

In so many words I am ever so thankful for the people in my life, those close and those distant, who reflect back to me what most often my own eyes do not see.

Like the depth and breadth of my feelings of loss. Particularly in the past 1/2 year or so when I dibble and dabble with confronting the loss of my lovely life in Humboldt County, in Eureka. Yes, and, the profound loss of my love of 20 years or so. And, that loss has re-opened the losses of the previous marriage to Kathie and to my broken relationship with my son, Gabriel. Subsequently, Gabe and I have been repairing our relationship. My intention is to also repair with his mother, to "normalize" the friendship, at least, such that Kathie and I can serve as mature and loving models for our grand-sons, Finn and Owen.

Also lost:

Two wonderful homes, that I thought would be life-long, lost. Along with the women who would share them with me.

Friends and neighborhoods, lost.

Patterns and habits, lost.

Not to mention the bigger and much more significant losses that have run parallel to my own losses. The extinction of species.

The environmental losses.

The income losses.

The losses of peace.

No wonder I run and hide (all the while, seeking) from the grief. What phase (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, integration) of grieving in I am now with which of the above? 

Holds for All. Each and every one of us. 

How do we manage all of this?

We bury it under consumerism, addictions, medical diagnosis, trauma drama, absorbedness in one form of media or another. Escapism of one form or another.

We Run and Hide from The Grief! It is as if it is a monstrous calamity chasing us into the Abyss.

We Hide! 

Until it catches up with us in one further loss or another. Maybe someone leaves or dies and we grieve for a while. Some of us get caught up in one loss and sacrifice a golden opportunity to piggy back on that loss and to go deeper into collective grief! Others grab ahold of the coat tail of one loss and let go their grief for a string of losses.

Some of us, especially we tough men, hold onto our grief. Na'er a tear or wail to release.

With all of the above in mind I look back on several of my "grieving ritual" experiences with great relish.

The first took place 20 some years ago at Mendocino Headlands for the week long Mendocino Men's Leadership Conference. I attended twice and both time Maledome Some, with great priming of the pump by Michael Meade, James Hillman, Robert Bly and Robert Moore, among the most sterling, led us into full rituals where we were prompted and goaded into sounding, wording, singing, crying and wailing about the losses.

Later, during a year long Ritual Village Training with Maledome we conducted more in depth training and understanding and executing of similar rituals.

Maledome had orchestrated us into three groups, Grievers, Villagers and Stewards. A Shrine had been constructed with compelling and not at all necessarily pretty or attractive components. Along with photos there were bones, dried flowers, burnt logs, broken art, etc. 

In front of the Shrine a line of ashes from one end of the shrine to the other. 

As the "Village" (those participating in the ritual) gathered the Sacred Circle was formed and elements and ancestors invited to join us, to help us in this work. A Shrine was empowered and we were instructed to not allow any part of our body to pass over the line of ashes. The Shrine had been empowered to "take" into the abyss the grief we expressed to the other side.

We were then divided into the three groups. A few were designated to be Stewards and to not allow any one or any part of us to go over the line. Malidome had warned us that sometimes grief takes over and we "cast" ourselves into the abyss, as well. Any part of us over the ashes would experience "soul loss" in that part and end up with issues.

The Villagers were to drum, dance, sing and otherwise build energy up. They were stationed behind those who were ready to address the Shrine. 

It was that group that would approach in dance and retreat, wail and sing, cry out, curse the gods and bewail their losses. The dying Forests were grieved for, the Ocean and other Waters, the loss of Ancestors, Peace, Stability, Balance, Harmony, etc.

Such a powerful ceremony and ritual that I took it upon myself to orchestrate a number during my time as facilitator of "practice" or "intentional" villages. These events were well received and appreciated.

I then got busy with the life and love I have just loss.

Maybe it is time to "Reclaim Village and Grieving Ritual".

What do you think?

Anyway, time for me to go Deeper and Wider!