We Made It: To Baja!

After months of plans promises and preparations, many prolonged and delightful visits

to the homes of friends and family, many time outs for truck and Avion upgrades, we

finally crossed the border into Baja California. Yeah!

Now in San Antonio del Mar, a small gated community north of Rosarita Beach, we are

enjoying the lullaby rhythm of the Pacific waves, the food and flavors of Baja; and,

again, the comfort and enjoyment of family. We are at my sister and brother-in-laws

beach front home, Playa Numero Uno.

Having been here a number of times in the past many memories of self and others are

in abundance. Photos, art works, customs and patterns all awaken old thoughts and

feelings. More stuff to let go of is encased in some of these experiences.

Not too surprising, Joanne figures strongly in the memories, as does Gabriel and Kathy,

Gabriel’s mom. I believe it was here. Although one strong memory may have come from

Ensenetas, further to the South.

What stands out in my mind was Gabriel and some Mexican boys having bottle rocket

battles. It must have been around New Years, maybe 30 some years ago, Gabe must

have been 11 or 12. I just remember seeing the rockets shooting parallel to the beach

and then aware that they were coming from two directions. My protective, and maybe

over-protective fathering had me running down to the beach and aggressively stopping

the madness! Images of the kids being so excited that they missed seeing a rocket

coming at them till it was too late. Eyes put out, etc. Anyway, I raised my voice and

stopped the “fight” and probably shamed my son . . . again.

These thoughts carried on as the day wore on and entered my dreaming and the

discussions of the following day. Today.

Our conversations today, 10:00 am, have to do with assuming responsibility for other’s

actions, e.g. diet and health. Some believe that once you are 21, an adult, you “should”

be able to make responsible decisions and live up to them.

OMG! As the short version of “I can’t believe that or you” is often expressed.

My response is that we also have our wounded selves to contend with. If wounded at

four then that four year old self will still be in on the act.

My sense of security and self-concept was shattered when four when I went to a

kindergarten school and the teacher was angry and punitive. Not to me so much as

more a result of my being hurt when another kid not liking my art work ruined it. The

teacher made him eat that paper! I was so scared (traumatized) that later I was afraid to

raise my hand to go to the toilet. I ended up pooping in my pants on the way home from

school. That combination of shameful experiences continued to embarass and shame

me for years. Far beyond my being 21. I am still anxious about my art work and how it

will be received. Oh, my gosh (OMG) what will they think?

We Made it: To Baja

My big issues also have to do with sexual trauma when I was introduced to sexual play

at eight and liked it so much that I went about teaching other kids. That was quickly

stopped and I was, again toxically shamed around body functions. Needless to say my

sexuality went underground for far too long and when it did surface it did so with a

vengence, bringing about a promiscuity that created many problems for myself and

loved ones.

Our culture shames and traumatizes and then expects people to “get over it” by

punishing, shaming, burying, blaming, locking up, etc. So full of more shame and blame.

And, my traumas were light, compared to those received during wars, alcoholic or drug

abuse families and other more catastrophic events.

So much of my needing to take this time away from my past is to be able to come to

center with my self. Time to be able to move in my growing default sense of “Festina

Lente”, making haste . . . slowly.

Slowing down and reflecting on who I am, how my patterns developed, where there is a

need for more attention, compassion and forgiveness for self and other.

I do, as so many of us do, have everything that I need. All that is necessary is to find

and make a time and place to do the work and the commitment to do so.

It is tempting to just say, “To hell with it!” and move to Baja and become one of the many

expatriates that have chosen to do so to get away from the craziness and woundedness

of the past, as well as to be able to afford a slower and more abundant life style than is

afforded in the USA. I could do that, except that I choose to be close to my son and

grand-sons such that I can help to provide a stable support system for such

woundedness as I experienced to more readily be embraced and released. To be handy

in case of small or big catastrophic events; or, whatever.

Ancestors, help me to heal the Wounds of the Past that I may consciously and

intentionally open those doors and enter through that lead to healing, health,

happiness and wholeness. May I become Whole, Holy and Wholesome!

Blessings on All!

We Made it: To Baja

The Sun Returns and We Celebrate!

SOLSTICE CHEER

Twenty some days since our last posting!

A great journey after Nevada City. Full of challenges and opportunities, once again. And, also, full of happiness and cheer. Seems like we are well received wherever we go.

First, the truck was fixed effectively if not permanently (what?). The axle seal was replaced after about 10 days of waiting as the shop we go to in Nevada City was very busy (Douglas Auto: a great place to have your vehicles fixed). I had let them know that if it was fixed by a certain date a week or ten days in the future it would work for me. It was; and, the snows on Hwy 80 were such that they could have taken an extra day or so. While my rig would handle the winds and snow I chose to stay with Joanne in comfort! My default, I guess.

The next day, the 13th of December we head for family in Southern California, hoping to find some hot springs to indulge in on our way South. 

The day was beautiful and the drive delightful. But cold. We stayed in Minden, Nevada. Seven (7) degrees that night and the Avion's furnace stank and did not keep even a thimble of water warm (metaphorically speaking)! Froze our butts off. We bundled up and made it through the night. We stayed in a Casino RV park and I took advantage of the restaurants and ate comfortably and well, if not my usual fare.

The next day we hit the road early seeking more warmth. We found it in Lone Pine, one of my favorite places to visit, where it was a good 10 degrees warmer. Yes, actually 17 degrees. That night we chose to stay in a motel. Luxury, again. 

Glad we did as we both were exhausted from keeping warm the night before.

Fortunately the Ford f-250 has an efficient heating system and within minutes of getting back on the highway we were thawed out.

Some wonderful sights along the way. Mt. Whitney, the Alabama Hills, lots of snow on the mountains and long vistas across the high deserts of Nevada. Stopping on the overlook of Lake Mono was pleasant. Dante, again, showed his interest in surveying the landscape by stopping and looking off across the lake and desert.

We then headed for "Dirty-Sock-Hot-Springs" (yes, it is on the map) only to find a dismal spot with broken glass all around, scuzzy on the water to the west edge and lukewarm water on the eastern edge. Near the middle was some bubbling and steam and if I had cared would probably found some good warm mineral rich water about 10 feet from the bank. I had images of cutting my feet open on broken glass and not having anyone to help me deal with the damage. Dante would be glad to give it a try with his licks but that would be too much to ask of him.

So we gave my brother in Riverside a call and cleared the way for our getting to his place around 5 pm. 

Traffic was awful on the stretch further south as we came closer to civilization (somehow it doesn't fit, does it, to consider pollution, overpopulation and overconsumption as "civilization"). And, I was reminded why I live and choose to live in Northern California. 

Several days of visiting my brother and his family, such warm and loving people, was a great joy. 

The next night he had a Gold Prospectors of America, meeting and I gladly accepted his invitation to attend. I liked the feeling of the 30 or more people in attendance and JOINED! So, I paid my dues, received my starter kit and now have access to hundreds of claims throughout the US. Including a bunch near Nevada City and all along the Sierras. 

I had some doubts but was assured that responsible mining with sluice systems cleaned up the water ways and provided more spawning grounds for fish. 

Interesting that in Nevada City there are BLM lands that used to be old mining claims that were surrendered, and then become public lands. And, that one can again "claim" the land for mining. Interesting!

So, the next afternoon after some very pleasant visits with Bruce, his wife Nan, Shell Sea there daughter and her daughter Hailey, as well as a short visit by Sonya and her son, Bison, we, Dante and I, headed for El Cajon, where my sister Judy and her family reside.

As always we were warmly received by Judy and Ron and have been enjoying many pleasant times and experiences since arriving. Last night we decorated the Christmas tree. To help were daughter Melissa and her boys, James and Evan, Michael and his daughter Shana, her husband, Clayton and their son Michael. The tree had been installed the afternoon before by Ron and I.

All of this activity, the plans and experience of travel, the cold and snow, the visits and treats, the dinners and gifts and the tree and decorating, etc. are very familiar to me. New for Dante but he certainly has enjoyed himself, especially with his new found relatives, Mercedes and Charlie. I do believe he and Mercedes are the most closely connected than any dog he has had the good fortune to be with. They play, sleep, eat, run, etc. as if old friends; or, new lovers. Regardless he is one happy puppy. Maybe just happy to not be freezing in Minden!

All is well that does not end well!

What?

Well, Dante and I were well on our way to hit the hot springs around Mammoth when after stopping for a respite in Nevada City to visit Joanne we discovered that our right rear axle seal is leaking (for the third time)! Ouch. 

But, we want to head down 395 tomorrow before it rains/snows!

Oh well, the upside is, we get to spend more time with Joanne in Nevada City. 

It will take maybe a week to find the problem and maybe replace the rear axle, if needed.

And, Joanne would really like for me to go with her to her brother's house to continue to deal with some of her parents "stuff" that is in a "pod"!

Okay! No problem. 

Since I am on sabbatical or retired or whatever there is not any place I need to be at tomorrow or next week or the next. I did tell my sister I would be in San Diego area for Christmas and I will make that!

And, if we are lucky we will still be able to hit one or two of the hot springs along the way.

So, many of you may be thinking, how can Scott be so up-beat about being divorced?

Yes, how can I be?

It took a bit of doing to reframe and find a positive spin that allows me to maintain my happiness quotient!

It is just that it is so much more fun to have fun than to have not fun. Like cross-country skiing at Royal Gorge near Tahoe. And, maybe more than once, depending on how long it takes to get my rig fixed.

And, besides, what is to not like about being free to go where I want when I want? And, to do so in such a way that I carry most of my essential gear with me. 

Such gear as:

     

     A wardrobe

     Tools

     Cooking gear

     Lots of good sleeping gear including a tent

     Stuff for Dante

     Skiing equipment and clothing

     Materials for up-grading the Avion

     A bunch of hats (I am a hat person kind of guy)

     Some shamanic gear

     Drums

     Guitar

     Clarinet, flutes, harmonica

     Books

     Outdoor gear

     Etc.

My rig allows for ultimate flexibility. I can be visiting in towns or camping out in the wilds. 

Sleeping on the ground or in the Avion. Skiing or swimming. And, on and on.

So, what is to feel sorry for myself? No need as I can choose to be happy and to move my life and energy in that direction.

     

The Rules for the One Gate in Front of Us!

One Frontal Gate

Yes, there are rules for having only one gate in front of us!

Alignment, Harmony, Balance and Clear Intention! Trust and Love!

The more we keep our focus on what it is we are in quest of the fewer choices there are in front of us.

When we are clear. I mean, Really Clear! On what it is we desire then All falls into place.

And, we must request and secure the Guidance of the Angels. We can not do it on our own.

So, what Angels?  

The Archangels?

Who  knows. I certainly am not sure. I am sure that my Ancestors have a hand in where I am headed, especially when I request that they be there for me.

      "Ancestors, guide me, lead me by my hand.

        Ancestors, heal me, help me to become whole.

        Ancestors, speak to me, let me know what you desire.

                You have given me so much, may you give me more."

The alignment of Gates in front of us!

Picture this. At one point the Gates are numerous and spread out all over the terrain! 

And, at another instant, with our clarity they come into alignment and . . . it is as if there is only ONE GATE IN FRONT OF US!

     If we are not clear in our intention the Gates are not aligned. So, we go from this to that and the other to thither!

    If we are clear then all of the archetypal mysteries work with us. Think, Tarot! Think, Grimes Fairy Tales, Think cartoons. Think Religions, Philosophies, Belief Systems of one kind or another.

The choices are deep and wide and when we are clear they come into alignment!

 If we are uncertain then the boogies and monsters show themselves and throw us off of our mark.

Trust and Love! 

Happiness and Gratitude!

Letting go and Letting God!

These and a few others are our guideposts.

Look for Omens and Confirmations (Thank  you Carlos Castanada!).

     "Ask, and you shall receive." 

Back to opening up our third eyes!

    Yes, maintaining presence is so important. When we do, we are aware of our intentions and on the look out for guidance from the All. 

It is this guidance that gets us to where we are destined to arrive: Cosmic Consciousness!

We are destined to become enlightened, in this life time or another. So, we might as well cultivate the arts and skills that promote this . . . and, resign ourselves to the task!

THE GATE

THE GATE

There is not one door in front of us each instant!

There is only one door from which we have entered into this instant!

There are an infinite number of doors and Universes in front of us!

Confronted with what lies before us we can either abdicate our personal choices, preference, decisions, obligations, etc. or we can intentionally be selective in our decision process with respect to which door we will open.

We can follow the dictates of our personal histories or we can craft, as the Lords of Old, exactly what it is we want, need and desire.

Will be be tethered to all of the mythologies, personal histories, cultural, racial, village, familial, and PTSD delayed grieving mandates?

Or, will be open to the guidance of the Angels, the wisdom of All that we know and the mandates of those paradigms of enlightenment, manifestations, healing and self-realization that we have been gifted with over the, very significantly, the past small number of decades?

This is the challenge.

Ancestors, help me to heal the Wounds of the Past that I may consciously and intentionally open those doors and enter through that lead to healing, health, happiness and wholeness. May I become Whole, Wholesome and Holy!

Blessings on All!

Let me be Bold!

To cut to the chase, as one of my favorite best friends says, the essence of what I am expounding is this:

We can not heal, anything. Not our own wounds, not the pollution, not the corruption, not the hate and not the wars and not the deaths and not the spiraling down into Hades unless we embrace 

THE GRIEVING PROCESS AND SEE IT THROUGH!

ALL ELSE IF FUTILE.

All of our politics our fan clubs, our meditations, our governmental mandates, our withdrawing and withholding. Nothing works but embracing and grieving the profound losses!

THERE. YOU HAVE IT!

Until we do so we are locked into the repetition compulsion and must continue to create more loss and destruction.

The idea is:

REMEMBER! 

EMBRACE AND PROCESS!

AND, BY DOING SO . . . HEAL!!!!!

The Mindfulness Game of Grief

Game?

Yes! And here are some of the rules:

1. Repeatedly come back to "presence"!

2. In presence notice the phase of grief!

3. Time bind the awareness of grieving!

4. Engage in diversions thoughtfully, with the idea of preparing to return into the presence of grieving.

And, for good measure; 

5. Let it go! 

So, let me expand these 5 gambits with more stories of Dante and I.

And, let it also be know that we All go through the process by chance as well as intentionality. Chance may take many lifetimes. Intentionality cuts "to the chase" and allows for rapid enlightenment, for that is the winning of The Game. As I am want to say, "We can't not become enlightened, it is our destiny path. So, we might as well embrace the process."

First: meditation, mindfulness, yoga, Tai Chi or Qi Gong, focused activity, self-awareness, cultivating 3rd eye (5th Chakra) awareness are all part of learning to come into presence. A competent griever must know how to come back, at will, to being fully in one's body.

Dante, as a dog, is my role model for this. When he misses his pack he simply sleeps and engages in other body function behaviors like eating, relieving himself, getting me to take him for walks, playing by himself with his toys and, when I am attentive, getting me to play with him.

He reminds me to meditate, stretch, eat well, pay attention to what is all around me and check in with my friends to play. When I get in a rut and start to perseverate on my "hard luck" it doesn't take me long to come back into my body. I have learned, as he models, that it is wasted effort to want something I can't have. 

So, I learn to be aware. To notice just where I am in my grieving process. As a skilled listener the hardest job is to listen to myself, my own thought processes and bodily functions. As a practitioner of yoga and meditation the ability to move from one phase to another is facilitated.

That brings me to the second gambit: Notice what phase of grief I am in.

Dante again reminds me to come back to presence. It is from there I can know what to work/play about. (Thanks to all of my friends and family who when the decisions were made to cast me adrift admonished me to "get a dog". "You can't do this on your own." "You will need to take care of something; you will need to have a friend with you." And, so forth.)

If in the denial phase, as I have so much indulged in I can pull back and laugh at how long I have been avoiding the deep sorrow. So, my whole flight to Kalamazoo and back, getting my rig set up and fixing (spending hours and far too much money). All indulgences in denial, if also planning for an unknown future.

The anger came upon me, at times, unexpectedly and I would notice by telling my story punitively or making decisions to hurt myself (more than one way to get my attention) by too much drink, too much investments in a "fools errand", not seizing an opportunity when offered, etc. As I engage in "having more fun than not fun" it seems I don't stay long in this phase. Anger and hate are one of the fastest ways to get sick, age and die. Personally I am in for the long haul!

Anger would show itself in my unkind thoughts, words or behaviors with respect to mostly, Joanne. Sometimes it would show itself by my becoming passively aggressive. An old gambit of mine for dealing with lots of relationship issues. Again, thanks to my many friends and the path I have chosen for experiencing so many smokey mirrors to remind me. The reminders are all around us, aren't they?

Bargaining is that process of figuring out what my opportunities are, and negotiation between self and other. In my process I might bounce my thoughts and actions again and again in one direction to have others reflect "no" or "NO" before I get it and move on in the process. Dante is so much easier at settling into himself when given a strong boundary. 

This makes me reflect on the wisdom of Lao Tzu when sharing about longevity: "Sleep like a dog, sit like a turtle and walk like a duck."

For myself the bargaining has been going on for years, mostly around sexuality. "If I do this for you can I expect you to give yourself to me?" It does get old, doesn't it?

And, the bigger picture, if I create and perform and earn will I be loved unconditionally? Heh, how about forgiving self and loving self unconditionally? Dante doesn't evidence such convoluted thought processes and or behaviors. Many of which for humans are very unconscious.

As with anger the ability to return to presence allows for awareness of the convoluted nature, the squirrel cage circuitry, to be revealed and changed. To move out of "bargaining" and into "sorrow" or "depression". 

Ah, now this moves me to talk about number three, time binding.

To set time limits on staying in the grieving process is of ultimate usefulness! Say that to yourself three times to get it. Set boundaries on your own grieving process. 

My experience with this is ample. Much of my work as a therapist has been to teach clients how to time bind! And, once I, or they, learn to allow themselves to grieve, regardless of the phase, and pull themselves out of with intention (even an alarm clock) then suddenly many of the dysfunctional activities and behaviors are dealt with more expediently! 

What I have learned from this and written about in my other blog (http://shamanicvisionpsychotherapy.blogspot.com/2010/06/back-to-time-outs-learning-to-respond_959.html) is that just as we can't not grieve our losses, or become enlightened, as long as we are engaged in the process of grieving the soul lost parts will have patience with us. They will not continually set us up for more loss. (the repetition-compulsion).

So, I increasingly let myself feel the loss, the sorrow and the emptiness . . . but only for a short while. What I crave and have experienced as I write about in my last entry for this blog is the comfort and support for deeper grieving experiences that a "village" or "grieving ritual" allows for. In such a place many layers of grief are released. Are "let go" and for days and weeks afterwards I am able to experience the Grace that I so desire.

Taking some time each day to reflect on losses and on the gratitude that the losses remind us to embrace is essential. Yes, gratitude is the elixir and to fully embrace it is great to bring the intensity of the emotion of grieving into the gratefulness we have and experience. 

This, again, facilitates the process of grieving.

Thoughtful diversions: Okay? What is this about? I see my diversion of having Dante around as a thoughtful one. It takes me out of my self-pity and self-loathing (both sad states to invest in).
My diversion of my rig, the 1965 Avion on a 1990 Ford, f-250 (4x4, 7.3 turbo diesel) has some practicality and thoughtfulness about it. Why that rig? Well, it is designed to endure, much more than newer, nicer rigs. And, part of my grieving is for the loss and probable loss of our comforts. Modern cars are dependent on electronics, which are very faulty and prone to electro-magnetic fluctuations and failures. One big solar flare-up can put our whole grid out of commission. Not so the 1990 f-250 diesel. 

The decisions were also based on my not having a permanent home. That is hard to bite into. But, the flexibility is a relief. I can go most anywhere fairly comfortably and securely with my rig.
And, when my Jefferson (tiny-house-on-wheels) is ready and settled (that is a big job right now, figuring out where to park it) then the rig many not be so important . . . as a diversion.

The whole process allows for me to engage in the grieving process.

Mindfulness diversions win out over mindlessness ones. Examples of mindlessness would be engaging in wanton abandonment into drugs and or alcohol, becoming addicted to one cause or another, hiding out, etc. 

Letting it go!

In the soul retrieval healing process (Sandra Ingerman: Soul Retrieval) the return of the soul part lost through neglect or trauma will only happen when we, as caring, responsible adults, find the wounded self and apologize for neglecting, invite soul part to return, negotiate terms of return ("I will become a safe container for you in your grieving process so that more trauma does not occur."), and, "stay present" during that being as a safe container. It is easy to slip back into the wounded soul part if we do not engage in mindful presence!

When the soul part returns and finds safety in the body we, as the guardians of our soul, find greater health and happiness. It is easier to engage in further healing. We experience more Grace.

And, we can then let go of our attachments to the losses, to the escaping into addictive behavior, gnashing of teeth, endless bargaining, avoidances, etc. We can just acknowledge the loss, incorporate the gains and move on!

So much more could and will be written.

What is your desire?